Give me Suggestions on Barin's Story
Jul 13, 2015 21:45:59 GMT -8
Post by King V on Jul 13, 2015 21:45:59 GMT -8
As some of you know, I write novels. And as some others may know, I have a character called Barin Alcastar who I've been meaning to write a story about for a while. Who is Barin Alcastar you ask? Please read this short (5 page) introduction.
Prologue
San Diego Nation Prison (tentative name). Home to over five thousand criminals and evildoers from across the country. A bleak and desolate place made only to induce despair to those who inhabit it.
Six massive towers overlooked the thirty-meter stone walls of the prison, each hosting searchlights and sentries armed with high-powered rifles capable of firing at a thousand paces and still never missing its target. Constant patrols were run inside the prison, guards carrying semi-automatic rifles stepping through the grounds. Prisoners found trying to escape were shot on sight with no warning, trespassers suffered the same fate. It was a prison built on cruelty.
Within the giant grey walls, a group of prisoners stood in one of the many courtyards, dressed in little more than faded grey shirts and pants. Most of them walked barefoot on the scalding asphalt. It couldn’t be helped, shoes were a commodity here.
The prisoners slowly chipped away at a large pile of rocks. Manual labor. No point, no purpose, other than generating exhaustion and passing the time. The guards snapped at the prisoners from time to time, flaunting their navy blue uniforms and gleaming silver badges at every opportunity.
“Work faster!”
“You call that digging?!”
“You lot ain’t eating until you finish!”
The prisoners were equipped with only miniature pickaxes and shovels, barely the size of one’s forearm. The excuse was not to give them any large weapons in case they tried to escape, but everyone knew that the real reason was to make them suffer all the more. Nobody got out of working until everything was cleared, long hours spent under the blazing sun slowly frying to a crisp, and because they lacked proper equipment, the work was painfully slow.
“Hey, you there! No slacking off-” one of the guards started to shout at a prisoner sitting on top of a rather large rock, but immediately halted as he saw who the man was.
“Ah, hello there,” the man waved at the guard, smiling lightly.
“M-mister Alcastar…” the guard began to fidget. “M-my apologies, sir, I forgot-”
“No, no,” the man waved him aside. “On the contrary, I was taking a break without permission. It’s entirely my fault. Keep up the good work.”
“Y-yes, of course…” the guard quickly averted his gaze, scurrying away.
The man let out a breath, jumping off the rock he sat upon. Then he promptly smashed it with his fist, and it instantly crumbled into pieces. The prisoners closest to him stared briefly before slowly scooting away from him.
“Who is that guy…?” one of the prisoners whispered to another, watching the man wipe the blood off his fist and proceed to shovel the rubble into the cart behind him.
“You must be new here,” the other prisoner, a much older man with graying hair and baggy eyes said. “There’s nobody who doesn’t know his name, inside or out of prison. He’s practically a living legend, at the top of just about anything you could think of. His name is-”
“Barin Alcastar,” a voice interrupted from behind. The two prisoners glanced back, and flinched as the other man smiled from behind them. “Although I don’t consider myself much of a legend.”
“M-mister Alcastar…” the older prison stammered.
“Barin is fine,” Barin said. “Everyone wants to decide my name for me. It’s getting old.”
“Then, Barin,” the other prisoner said to him. “Why don’t you consider yourself a legend?”
“Would you like to hear my story?” Barin asked. “Mind you, it’s a story full of drama, action, suspense, betrayal, all sorts of classical tropes, tied together with horribly twisted characters who you can’t even tell if they’re human or not. All in all, it’s a long story.”
Part 1
A Long Story
Chapter 1
Power.
When does one envision when one thinks of a powerful person?
First and most obviously, strength. Strong people are powerful, a known fact since prehistoric times. Strength lets one run faster, jump higher, break things that are harder and more durable. Strength equals power.
But what about other factors?
When one thinks about strength, there is an easy comparison to intelligence. Are intelligent people powerful? People who created guns, missiles, the atomic bomb; all weapons of mass destruction are products of intelligence.
However, then one must consider the form intelligence takes. One cannot simply be powerful if one has smarts. An extremely smart person who develops a powerful weapon could be swindled by a very clever person who tricks them into handing the weapon over. People who have immense social intelligence, those who easily understand others and use their connections as a weapon, could then convince society to place bans on the developed weapon and render it useless. And then perhaps someone with great philosophical intelligence sparks a debate in which usage of the weapon is once again in question. The possibilities become endless.
People who have no talent, but possess great charisma and social skills, influence. Are those influential people powerful? Just by looking at today’s politicians, the answer is a yes. The ability to sway the beliefs of many people to one’s own is undeniably powerful.
Then, after discussing many different forms of power, the question is raised. Who is the most powerful person in existence?...
…the teacher put down the paper, sighing to herself. She looked over her desk, over the cluttered papers and sticky notes scattered around piles of books and a half-empty coffee mug, to the person sitting across from her.
“Barin, I thought I told you to choose a theme from the book for your essay,” the teacher said to him.
“This essay is undoubtedly based from the reading material,” the boy replied.
The teacher sighed again, letting her gaze drift over the boy’s appearance. He was handsome-looking, neither tall nor short, with midnight black hair that hung low enough to cover his left eye. He wore a button-down black hooded sweater, matching his dark black jeans and sneakers, but sat upright, with his feet rooted to the ground, giving him a formal yet casual appearance.
His name was Barin Alcastar, a tenth-grade high school student, currently sixteen years old.
“I don’t see it,” the teacher finally said, pushing the paper back onto her desk. “I can’t see how the topic of this essay has anything to do with the reading the class has done.”
Barin glanced towards one of the stacks of books on the desk, the topmost book being George Orwell’s Animal Farm. He spoke, a calm and patient tone, keeping his eyes focused on the book. “I believe the topic is very fitting of the book. For example, the horse is strong, but dies because he was manipulated by the second pig’s cunning. The first pig is smart, but is bested by the dogs’ strength. The farmer has both strength and numbers, but loses due to an alliance formed by connections. The book displays a fascinating struggle between different forms of power.”
“Did you forget the characters’ names, Barin?” the teacher asked, extremely surprised. “Did you not read the book properly?”
“I remember their names,” Barin said. He shrugged. “I don’t use them because they’re boring.”
The teacher sighed. “Then I think you’re missing the point, Barin. The author wrote this book because he was criticizing the rise of totalitarianism from communism in his country. There are deep themes of Marxism, society, and religion in this book. That’s what I wanted you to write about.”
“What’s the point writing about those things?” Barin asked. “If I just copy what other people have discussed hundreds of times before, how does that help me at all?”
“Alright, I’ll admit that your topic is creative,” the teacher said, glancing at the paper again. “But you don’t have anything cited from the book. In the rubric it said you needed at least six citations, and I don’t see a single one here.”
“I thought the book was too narrow in its discussion so I expanded the topic to cover more general examples,” Barin replied.
“You can’t do that, Barin,” the teacher shook her head. “If you do that, it’s not an essay about the book anymore. Look, I know you’re talented. You know you’re talented. Just, at least try to follow the instructions on your assignments.”
Now it was Barin’s turn to sigh. “Yes, Ms. Eunice.”
“I expect another hard copy on my desk in one week,” Ms. Eunice handed the paper back to Barin, who took it and promptly tossed it in the recycling bin.
“I’ll have it done in three hours,” Barin said. “May I leave now?”
“You may,” the teacher nodded.
The boy grabbed the backpack sitting on the floor next to his chair, and stood up. He turned away and navigated through the mess of desks and chairs around the classroom, exiting silently through the doorway.
As soon as he was gone, Ms. Eunice sighed, clutching her forehead. “What am I going to do with that kid…?”
This novel is going to be very focused on marketing, and how Barin rises to power through various forms of playing the market, managing resources, and manipulating people or eliminating those who get in his way. That being said, I don't have all that much specialized knowledge on the market, and I don't think a straightforward market plot will be able to fill the entire content of the novel. So I'm looking for some suggestions on what ridiculous shenanigans Barin will pull.
General information about the book/things that are set in stone:
The story starts with Barin at age 16, I don't have much planned for his high school years except him meeting his friends who will accompany him throughout the rest of the book. A slightly incompetent male friend/sidekick (name not decided), and female love interest (name not decided) will be introduced. There aren't many other plans for this area, so I'm open to suggestions.
When Barin is 18, he quickly decides to open a business and get into the market. For funding, he takes out a loan, and proceeds to quickly go into debt and fail at his marketing schemes. Here I introduce the market antagonists, and have Barin learn at an outrageous pace from his failures. He doesn't get discouraged, and tries again. (this part isn't very flexible)
A few months later, Barin is determined to get back on his horse. He has accumulated quite a bit of debt, and needs to pay it off. Barin goes off to learn the art of combat and assassination. His friends are all extremely concerned about him, because he disappears for a while. But then Barin returns and acquires a large amount of funding, which he got from taking apart a criminal organization. Barin pays off all his debts easily and gets back in the game. (maybe a different form of revival? Perhaps some other way Barin learns assassination?)
There is an intermediary period here with Barin manipulating the market, and others trying to push him down. Think of a psychological battle like chess (I'm going to make it very umineko-like). This period is very flexible, and I need a lot of ideas for this. During this period, it's found out that Barin committed several crimes (he commits many more crimes in this period), and he gets investigated.
Here Barin is put under surveillance/investigation from the FBI or some detective agency. Another antagonist/protagonist is introduced, being a detective recently rising to success (name not decided). He attempts to catch Barin, but always fails in the end. Not much decided for this section either, I'm planning on including a lot of crime tricks and detective techniques here so it'll read like a cross between a mystery novel and a thriller.
After this, Barin's friends find out about his crimes and plan to betray him. Barin knows of this and puts a huge master plan in effect (this area is not flexible, I'll determine how the plan works out after I've written the other sections). At the end of the whole thing, Barin is put on trial and is sentenced to prison.
Epilogue moment with Barin in prison and everyone else finally realizing the results of his plan. Nothing planned for this because it's at the very end.
So feel free to give me suggestions and such, on the overall story or individual sections. I want this story to be very well planned out and have very few plot holes, since Barin would never make any mistakes.
Prologue
San Diego Nation Prison (tentative name). Home to over five thousand criminals and evildoers from across the country. A bleak and desolate place made only to induce despair to those who inhabit it.
Six massive towers overlooked the thirty-meter stone walls of the prison, each hosting searchlights and sentries armed with high-powered rifles capable of firing at a thousand paces and still never missing its target. Constant patrols were run inside the prison, guards carrying semi-automatic rifles stepping through the grounds. Prisoners found trying to escape were shot on sight with no warning, trespassers suffered the same fate. It was a prison built on cruelty.
Within the giant grey walls, a group of prisoners stood in one of the many courtyards, dressed in little more than faded grey shirts and pants. Most of them walked barefoot on the scalding asphalt. It couldn’t be helped, shoes were a commodity here.
The prisoners slowly chipped away at a large pile of rocks. Manual labor. No point, no purpose, other than generating exhaustion and passing the time. The guards snapped at the prisoners from time to time, flaunting their navy blue uniforms and gleaming silver badges at every opportunity.
“Work faster!”
“You call that digging?!”
“You lot ain’t eating until you finish!”
The prisoners were equipped with only miniature pickaxes and shovels, barely the size of one’s forearm. The excuse was not to give them any large weapons in case they tried to escape, but everyone knew that the real reason was to make them suffer all the more. Nobody got out of working until everything was cleared, long hours spent under the blazing sun slowly frying to a crisp, and because they lacked proper equipment, the work was painfully slow.
“Hey, you there! No slacking off-” one of the guards started to shout at a prisoner sitting on top of a rather large rock, but immediately halted as he saw who the man was.
“Ah, hello there,” the man waved at the guard, smiling lightly.
“M-mister Alcastar…” the guard began to fidget. “M-my apologies, sir, I forgot-”
“No, no,” the man waved him aside. “On the contrary, I was taking a break without permission. It’s entirely my fault. Keep up the good work.”
“Y-yes, of course…” the guard quickly averted his gaze, scurrying away.
The man let out a breath, jumping off the rock he sat upon. Then he promptly smashed it with his fist, and it instantly crumbled into pieces. The prisoners closest to him stared briefly before slowly scooting away from him.
“Who is that guy…?” one of the prisoners whispered to another, watching the man wipe the blood off his fist and proceed to shovel the rubble into the cart behind him.
“You must be new here,” the other prisoner, a much older man with graying hair and baggy eyes said. “There’s nobody who doesn’t know his name, inside or out of prison. He’s practically a living legend, at the top of just about anything you could think of. His name is-”
“Barin Alcastar,” a voice interrupted from behind. The two prisoners glanced back, and flinched as the other man smiled from behind them. “Although I don’t consider myself much of a legend.”
“M-mister Alcastar…” the older prison stammered.
“Barin is fine,” Barin said. “Everyone wants to decide my name for me. It’s getting old.”
“Then, Barin,” the other prisoner said to him. “Why don’t you consider yourself a legend?”
“Would you like to hear my story?” Barin asked. “Mind you, it’s a story full of drama, action, suspense, betrayal, all sorts of classical tropes, tied together with horribly twisted characters who you can’t even tell if they’re human or not. All in all, it’s a long story.”
Part 1
A Long Story
Chapter 1
Power.
When does one envision when one thinks of a powerful person?
First and most obviously, strength. Strong people are powerful, a known fact since prehistoric times. Strength lets one run faster, jump higher, break things that are harder and more durable. Strength equals power.
But what about other factors?
When one thinks about strength, there is an easy comparison to intelligence. Are intelligent people powerful? People who created guns, missiles, the atomic bomb; all weapons of mass destruction are products of intelligence.
However, then one must consider the form intelligence takes. One cannot simply be powerful if one has smarts. An extremely smart person who develops a powerful weapon could be swindled by a very clever person who tricks them into handing the weapon over. People who have immense social intelligence, those who easily understand others and use their connections as a weapon, could then convince society to place bans on the developed weapon and render it useless. And then perhaps someone with great philosophical intelligence sparks a debate in which usage of the weapon is once again in question. The possibilities become endless.
People who have no talent, but possess great charisma and social skills, influence. Are those influential people powerful? Just by looking at today’s politicians, the answer is a yes. The ability to sway the beliefs of many people to one’s own is undeniably powerful.
Then, after discussing many different forms of power, the question is raised. Who is the most powerful person in existence?...
…the teacher put down the paper, sighing to herself. She looked over her desk, over the cluttered papers and sticky notes scattered around piles of books and a half-empty coffee mug, to the person sitting across from her.
“Barin, I thought I told you to choose a theme from the book for your essay,” the teacher said to him.
“This essay is undoubtedly based from the reading material,” the boy replied.
The teacher sighed again, letting her gaze drift over the boy’s appearance. He was handsome-looking, neither tall nor short, with midnight black hair that hung low enough to cover his left eye. He wore a button-down black hooded sweater, matching his dark black jeans and sneakers, but sat upright, with his feet rooted to the ground, giving him a formal yet casual appearance.
His name was Barin Alcastar, a tenth-grade high school student, currently sixteen years old.
“I don’t see it,” the teacher finally said, pushing the paper back onto her desk. “I can’t see how the topic of this essay has anything to do with the reading the class has done.”
Barin glanced towards one of the stacks of books on the desk, the topmost book being George Orwell’s Animal Farm. He spoke, a calm and patient tone, keeping his eyes focused on the book. “I believe the topic is very fitting of the book. For example, the horse is strong, but dies because he was manipulated by the second pig’s cunning. The first pig is smart, but is bested by the dogs’ strength. The farmer has both strength and numbers, but loses due to an alliance formed by connections. The book displays a fascinating struggle between different forms of power.”
“Did you forget the characters’ names, Barin?” the teacher asked, extremely surprised. “Did you not read the book properly?”
“I remember their names,” Barin said. He shrugged. “I don’t use them because they’re boring.”
The teacher sighed. “Then I think you’re missing the point, Barin. The author wrote this book because he was criticizing the rise of totalitarianism from communism in his country. There are deep themes of Marxism, society, and religion in this book. That’s what I wanted you to write about.”
“What’s the point writing about those things?” Barin asked. “If I just copy what other people have discussed hundreds of times before, how does that help me at all?”
“Alright, I’ll admit that your topic is creative,” the teacher said, glancing at the paper again. “But you don’t have anything cited from the book. In the rubric it said you needed at least six citations, and I don’t see a single one here.”
“I thought the book was too narrow in its discussion so I expanded the topic to cover more general examples,” Barin replied.
“You can’t do that, Barin,” the teacher shook her head. “If you do that, it’s not an essay about the book anymore. Look, I know you’re talented. You know you’re talented. Just, at least try to follow the instructions on your assignments.”
Now it was Barin’s turn to sigh. “Yes, Ms. Eunice.”
“I expect another hard copy on my desk in one week,” Ms. Eunice handed the paper back to Barin, who took it and promptly tossed it in the recycling bin.
“I’ll have it done in three hours,” Barin said. “May I leave now?”
“You may,” the teacher nodded.
The boy grabbed the backpack sitting on the floor next to his chair, and stood up. He turned away and navigated through the mess of desks and chairs around the classroom, exiting silently through the doorway.
As soon as he was gone, Ms. Eunice sighed, clutching her forehead. “What am I going to do with that kid…?”
This novel is going to be very focused on marketing, and how Barin rises to power through various forms of playing the market, managing resources, and manipulating people or eliminating those who get in his way. That being said, I don't have all that much specialized knowledge on the market, and I don't think a straightforward market plot will be able to fill the entire content of the novel. So I'm looking for some suggestions on what ridiculous shenanigans Barin will pull.
General information about the book/things that are set in stone:
The story starts with Barin at age 16, I don't have much planned for his high school years except him meeting his friends who will accompany him throughout the rest of the book. A slightly incompetent male friend/sidekick (name not decided), and female love interest (name not decided) will be introduced. There aren't many other plans for this area, so I'm open to suggestions.
When Barin is 18, he quickly decides to open a business and get into the market. For funding, he takes out a loan, and proceeds to quickly go into debt and fail at his marketing schemes. Here I introduce the market antagonists, and have Barin learn at an outrageous pace from his failures. He doesn't get discouraged, and tries again. (this part isn't very flexible)
A few months later, Barin is determined to get back on his horse. He has accumulated quite a bit of debt, and needs to pay it off. Barin goes off to learn the art of combat and assassination. His friends are all extremely concerned about him, because he disappears for a while. But then Barin returns and acquires a large amount of funding, which he got from taking apart a criminal organization. Barin pays off all his debts easily and gets back in the game. (maybe a different form of revival? Perhaps some other way Barin learns assassination?)
There is an intermediary period here with Barin manipulating the market, and others trying to push him down. Think of a psychological battle like chess (I'm going to make it very umineko-like). This period is very flexible, and I need a lot of ideas for this. During this period, it's found out that Barin committed several crimes (he commits many more crimes in this period), and he gets investigated.
Here Barin is put under surveillance/investigation from the FBI or some detective agency. Another antagonist/protagonist is introduced, being a detective recently rising to success (name not decided). He attempts to catch Barin, but always fails in the end. Not much decided for this section either, I'm planning on including a lot of crime tricks and detective techniques here so it'll read like a cross between a mystery novel and a thriller.
After this, Barin's friends find out about his crimes and plan to betray him. Barin knows of this and puts a huge master plan in effect (this area is not flexible, I'll determine how the plan works out after I've written the other sections). At the end of the whole thing, Barin is put on trial and is sentenced to prison.
Epilogue moment with Barin in prison and everyone else finally realizing the results of his plan. Nothing planned for this because it's at the very end.
So feel free to give me suggestions and such, on the overall story or individual sections. I want this story to be very well planned out and have very few plot holes, since Barin would never make any mistakes.